Friday, January 15, 2010

Oh God! Please make me a Mercedes Benz!

Two recent occurrences have been instrumental in making today a defining moment of my life. Few days back a pundit warned me against my black tongue which I should use sparingly, least I would harm someone. Yesterday however, when my friend Kanika enquired about the diminishing number of my blog posts I splashed the soot of my tongue all over myself. I said that I need to be in a state of severe depression to get inspired and so came the day that is TODAY.

It would have been just fine if I were Mercedes Benz... C-class reins superior to an A-class unlike the grading system of human machines. When you slog like a dog and go on to ‘c’cure a C-grade in an academic paper then you ‘c’incerely feel like committing some ‘c’in. So here goes TODAY.

I woke early morn thinking I’m Pygmalion and the image of ‘A’ would soon be reality. I asked a close friend from class to collect my checked essay along with his own from college... saves energy you see... besides I was sure I’d Ace... only that the ‘A’ got missing. When my friend called back to inform me of the thunder-bolting, earth-shattering, bed linen-wetting, ceiling fan-falling news, I went numb for the longest time in which none of the things just mentioned happened. The professor had commented that it was an intelligent paper but the argument became shaky as the essay progressed. I started to weep from 11:58 am TODAY till just about ten minutes back. In this time I explored all possibilities of ending my life.

So if I jumped off the drawing room window then would it do the deal? Considering the house is on the first floor, it wouldn’t really be a mighty jump for an average joe but then I’m quite ‘unique’ (read ‘short’). So applying 5th standard physics I decreed that for me this would be a decent jump with 90% chances of achieving success in my future endeavour.

However, before taking the final plunge I applied academic methodology to my problem. First I asked myself a question and then I argued the pros and cons. The question being why the hell am I so depressed? Is it because C-grade and I have never seen eye to eye before this and that I consider myself an exceptional student? Or is it because I asked a friend to bring my paper and so he knows my grade against which, I could have done this myself and then lied through my nose about it to other classmates?

The answer is both with slightly more weightage to the latter argument. So if it’s really about the EQ (embarrassment quotient) then why the hell do I need to create a personal high jump record for it? Public memory is the only living phenomena on this planet that is shorter than my height. Soon my result would be forgotten and until then I can bask in the glory of being the unique piece of my class... 89% of the students have taken huge sums for loan to study this course, they wouldn’t dare write anything as lowly as to deserve a ‘C’ grade. By that virtue, there is a high probability of me being the precious special case deserving this honour.

Besides, I soaked ‘processed and packaged’ tree trunks with tears so that relatives would sympathise more than sermonise. Jumping from the window was ideated for similar reasons... to gather positive attention. Now this is not India to be honest and neighbours aren’t even remotely prying. Hence, after falling face down on the green grass outside my house, I’d slowly get covered with snow to take the shape of a mountain on which the Labrador of the man from the next building would come take a leak at sharp 6:15 pm. No one would save my mountainous arse until Sumeet turns up from his Sweden trip late tonight and by then I’d turn into a nursery rhyme... up above the world so high, like ‘A’ diamond in the sky...
I’m sorry I prefer to live than die...

So I’v decided to think of myself as a C-class Mercedes Benz... life can only be a smooth drive from here on.